Post by Tony Savage on Feb 19, 2018 14:55:02 GMT -5
Seriously; you let a 7 year old watch Tony Savage promos? While you're at it, why don't you leave him unsupervised in a room with a loaded handgun and a candy jar filled with Vicodins?
Los Angeles, California
02/18/2019 11:33 P.S.T
Tony's always had a love/hate relationship with wrestling fans. At one end, he appreciates their support. After all; they spend good money on tickets and merch, which part of it goes into his pocket. Love that money! And every once in a blue moon, he does encounter a well-informed, semi socially well adjusted mark that manages to engage him in meaningful, thought provoking discussions about this crazy ass industry Tony engages in...
But most of the time, he finds himself swarmed by people like THIS uptight, pancake assed soccer mom...
You're a professional athlete, Mr. Savage: it's your social responsibility to project a positive image to the youth....
Aight; lemme stop the Social Justice Express before it derails like an Amtrak train...
1: I'm not responsible for shit besides going out to the ring Come Fight Night (trademarked; I get a nickle anytime anybody spits that) besides going out there and cracking somebody's chest-plate open like a coconut.
2: If people expect me to be a role model for kids, they'd been better off coughing up dough for Plan B pills. You're talking to a guy who beats up and shoots people for a living; I didn't exactly listen to my college career counselor, although, when he suggested I become a philosopher, I suspected Georgia Tech was squandering money at that point, and...
3: Most wrestlers are BAD people. I mean, some of the stories I could tell you...*looks over at little Timmy*....hey, you ever pee on a ring rat who's tanked on MDMA and strawberry cheesecake flavored vodka? It's fucking AMAZING! There was this girl I scooped up after a show in Vancouver, and I was Sooooo dehydrated, my whiz came out like stale apple juice, and she squirted so hard, I ended up losing my hotel room deposit because those sheets were absolutely ruined....
Cool!
Ugh! You are horrible!
Indignantly, she grabs little Timmy by the wrist and drags him off, leaving Tony to bemoan to himself: God, days like this makes me wish I brought my gun to work more often.
It degenerated steadily from there. There was the young man from Long Beach with the unusual musk about him...
Bud, there's this legit new collaboration between soap and water that's getting the club lit as we speak; you should check into it. Seriously, you smell like you're trying to attract bears into your campsite.
Then, around lunchtime, came this tubby jack-ass...
Yeah, I lost to Prada. You ever fight Prada, Sta-Puft Marshmellow smark? Hell, judging by the fact they need a C.I.A spy satellite to determine your belt size, the only thing you've ever fought is Type 2 diabetes, and considering your field marshalls in this war are Colonel Sanders and Captain Crunch, this is a losing effort.
And this guy...
So you spent $50 and 2 hours in line just to try to troll me? Great investment there, Warren Buffet. Could've done it for free in your mom's basement. Speaking of your mom; I checked out the family photos on Instagram. Care to explain to me why you look nothing like your supposed father and everything like the garbage man who's always in the photos of her at happy hour at the local Applebee's!?
And, of course, because of his appearance, he deals with a lot of this...
Just because I look like Charlie Hunnam does not mean we're BFFs! In fact, after the crap he pulled in Atlantic City Years ago, I'm finna cut his lifespan off like an awards speech running way too long. Sticks me with a $12k room service bill, and if you thought the box office numbers on King Arthur stunk, you should've smelled what he did in the interior of my new Yukon Denali. It still gives my nose PTSD just thinking about it!
By about 2 P.M., his dismay is expressed in the following statement....
Now hear this; after 4 hours of this bullshit, I'm faced with 2 options...
1: Go to the convention center lounge and marinate my brain cells in liqour until I forget everything I learned about 5th grade, or 2: commit an act of arson so heinous, I'll be a headline story on CNN until next week. And considering my attorney's in the Cayman Islands until March, cheating on both is wife and his taxes, I'm not going to make the effort to score enough kerosene to ensure this place ends up looking like an ashtray in a biker bar.
Thank you for you time, and your money, and you all have been....*scans the room to get a full head-count of loserdom present*...yeah, I'm out!
Happy hour, 3 P.M.
Rough day?
It's been less than an hour, and Tony's already 4 bourbons on the rocks and 3 I.P.A.'s deep, so, that should answer the barkeep's inquiry, but, Tony retorts....
Nicole Brown Simpson had a rough day; this shit was a nightmare. *Burp* 'Nother beer, my man!
*Cracks another bottle of Sierra Nevada* Helluva life you lead; must be amazing. Traveling across the world, making good money. Must be a dream job....
Key word there is "job", uh....*looks at the guy's nametag on his work vest*...Simon. Yeah; we'll go with that...*Burp*...looks, Sy, gonna level with you, since you're kind enough to give me brain damage with something besides whatever's lying underneath the ring. How much do you know about wrestling?
Not much, really. Simon speaks as he's wiping down cocktail glasses and putting them away. I see a lot of promos of people living the good life; hanging around exotic locales, playing dress up and getting into character like actors. Seems like your kind lives a pretty sweet life.
*Burp* That's 'cause most wrestlers are as fulla shit as they are painkillers. Oh, don't get me wrong; you do this gig right like I've done, you live like a king. And this is just my side job. Problem is with most wrestlers is, they're so into selling the positive aspects of the biz, they completely gloss over the negatives.
Negatives?
*Puts his beer down after a swig* Yeah, this fairy tale industry is fulla wicked stepmothers. Every day I deal with rage fueled misfits, low IQ having loudmouths, and failed abortions who make claims and assumptions so ridiculous, you think they worked in the Trump administration. And those are just the fans of this sport; the people I actually fight in the ring..sheesh....*burp*
Crooked promoters, idiot front offices monkeys whose only work related injuries are getting tendonitis from punching on keyboards trying to steal your spotlight. Half my life I spend either in a sweatbox of a gym or on some sort of transport off to handle some chore on my list. The worst part of it all is; every time I get in front of a camera, I've gotta come up with some fresh take on how to tell a waste of white blood cells what a dip-shit they are and how I'm going to kick their ass so hard, they'll shit shoe polish for a month. Tell you the truth, most of my job consists of doing what you're doing right now; doing tedious maintenance shit.
We spend so much time trying to lie to motherfuckers about how special this job is, we forget most of what we do is a glorified version of taking out trash or putting cover sheets on meaningless reports. This may be one of the greatest jobs on Earth, but, my man...
It's still a job. You still wake up, take a shit, brush your teeth, and clock in to another day.
Simon takes a moment to think upon this nugget: Hmm, never thought about it that way.
Good marketing does that to the uninitiated....*BUUUUUUURP*...fuck, bro; you're making these drinks like you're trying to take advantage of me in the parking lot. Welp, time to take out the white trash....
Tony calls out to Landon, sitting at a table across the lounge: Landon! Landon! *irritated he's not responding* MORTY! Get your skinny, Brazilian shemale porn loving ass over here. It's time to knock chore item #22A from my list.
Dammit, Tony, I told you, the only reason I was on that site because I misspelled what I was searching for. You know how Google is when you...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, man woman enthusiast. Believe me...*burp*....not the worst shit I've ever seen somebody look up on their phone...
Tony points to Landon's glass: The fuck is THAT shit you're drinking.
An appletini!
Wow. Just...wow. 24 year old man drinking what looks and tastes like liquefied Halloween candy. Between that, and the fact I caught you trying to score brownie points with you pretend girlfriend by waxing her real boyfriend's Ford F150 pick-up truck, i'm thinking that martini glass needs to be filled with testosterone booster.
Geez, Tony....
Whatever....*belch*....it's 2018. Adam Rippon came out; you should have the courage to do so, too! Now, put down your glass of spiked Kool-Aid and let's make some promo magic, before I drink enough bourbon to fund the state of Kentucky for the next 6 hours.
Annnnnnd.......ACTION!
Teddy! How ya....*burp*....doing, killer!?
Oh, wait, my bad. I thought I was fighting Ted Nugent this week.
For those of you not fans of 1970's white trash jock rock, Ted Nugent's this jackass who plays a good guitar, writes a shitty song, likes to stumble out into the woods to kill critters...
Oh, and has some REALLY right wing, judgmental views and loves to label people without stopping to think or edit the dumb shit that comes out of his mouth. Again, seeing as I'm fighting Ethan....
It's easy to get the two confused.
Each and every time you've come out, you've made some pretty far out accusations about your quarries.
Love that approach you had with A.K. E. Yup, Magellan, you were REALLY breaking new ground by being derogatory about her lack of vertical stature. Okay, she's barely tall enough to get on a roller coaster at Six Flags, but, you know what....
She worked your ass pretty fucking well, Mr. Big Bad Trophy Hunter. Hell, it was like watching the gopher work Bill Murray in Caddyshack. Then, it was Xander....
Now, Xander looks and acts like he should be bouncing at a titty bar in Daytona during Harley Week. He's got the personality of battery acid, can barely cut a fart, much less, a promo, and hasn't exactly ripped shit up in Premiere since coming aboard. But you know something; he showed me something you've been lacking....
Substance.
The only reason you got the deuce over him, was because he practically GAVE you the win, to go handle his business with his woman like a man would. Performance wise, dumb move, but he handled his shit like a person with an actual moral center would.
Not some low-hang fruit picking shit-wipe that likes to make snap judgments and try to use people's personal problems as a weapon like YOU!!
*Burp* Yeah, the Kentucky special makes me a little snarkier than usual, but I don't need the nectar of the hillbilly gods to spit lava in your face, fuck-tard! Even since I peeped your first shoot here, I thought to myself...
Fuck knocking you down a peg; your ass NEEDS to be kicked the hell off the ladder!
I've heard all sorts of names come out of your mouth: you've called people....
Weak, ego maniacal, bully, coward, fraud....
And each time your crusty ass has stepped on canvas, you've been proven so wrong, you might as well belong to the Flat Earth Society. You lay all sorts of judgments, make all sorts of claims about taking what's owed for you, wreaking vengeance, and acting like motherfucking Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven. Problem is...
Your mouth's been calling targets your aim can't hit.
Since you like the name came, Teddy, here's some about you that're proven to be accurate....
Hypocritical. Vindictive. Inconsistent. Lazy. Opportunistic. Elitist. A fucking parasite posing as an avenger. Proclaiming those around you guilty, when you've been guilty yourself of being the worst fucking thing in Premiere...
Mediocre as all Hell! And it just ain't here, either; you're not exactly lighting it up across the wrestling globe from what I've been seeing. Face it, cowboy; your guns are misfiring. You nearly fucked up against Xander, and you completely missed the mark against Alexandra...
Now, what the hell have you got for ammo against the man....who's the foundation of this fucking fed?
A real killer, who's already ended careers, helped build this fed from scratch, and has been the focal point ever since he's walked through the door. What have you got to use for ammo, huh?
Maybe that's why you've stayed quiet; kept your head down. You don't know how to hunt this prey.
Shit, hillbilly, if you did your cowboy way thing like you did this wrestling shit, your family would starve, and you'd be scooping horse-shit for your neighbors to make a living.
Face it, Ethan, you're out manned, out gunned, and out matched Come Fight Night.
The hunter becomes the hunted. You're just another chore to knock off my list...
And another trophy to hang on my wall!
Now....*guzzles his drink*...what's next on my list....
Tony looks at his planner and: Fuck! A Q&A forum on twitter until 5! Dammit....
I swear to imaginary God Twitter's going to be the downfall of humanity! Simon, lemme get a roadie. And fill up Elton John's glass as well. He needs a top off until his next set. Can't wait to hear "Benny and The Jets."
Post by Ethan Monroe on Feb 19, 2018 16:33:53 GMT -5
We find Monroe sitting in a rocking chair on his porch at his ranch. Glass of sweet tea in his hand. He doesn’t have the same demeanor as he did before, he looks more relaxed than usual. We can see Ember in the background on her horse, one of the men who work on the farm giving her lessons.
“You know, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say this week.
Fact is, ever since I walked into Premier Fighting, I knew I was in over my head. I might be a big guy, decent build, but inexperienced as all hell. I don’t know how to carry myself, hell if I don’t like talking very much so this promo business eludes me. I overlooked people, tried to play the badass… and the fraud ended up being me.
Tony Savage, you are absolutely right. I don’t belong in the wrestling business, that’s why I’m announcing right here that this will be my last match for Premier Fighting. I do wrestle elsewhere and my future there is uncertain at this time. However, this will be the last time you, or anyone else, sees me in a Premier ring again.
I’m not going to take up your time. I’ll show up, lay down in that ring, give you the win, and then I go home. I’m done.”